Friday, December 17, 2010
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
i live in california
last saturday it was really nice out so chris and i sat up on our desk and i took photos with her new camera.
it was a really lovely evening, but something strange happened to me this fall -- i actually started enjoying fall weather. i was okay with being a little cold, and even rainy days, which usually i'm not.
so this 70+ degree weather is nice and i can't really complain, but on the other hand, next week is thanksgiving and i'm ready for fall.
it was a really lovely evening, but something strange happened to me this fall -- i actually started enjoying fall weather. i was okay with being a little cold, and even rainy days, which usually i'm not.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
a to-do list
in the face of stress and giving in to it, i've neglected doing a lot of things that i actually like to do and that make me happy. so i want to make a list of those things, even though i know that making lists doesn't actually mean i'll do the things on it. but i think the first step is going to be recording it, then the second step is holding myself accountable for my own happiness.
-read books (already have some favorites i've been meaning to re-read checked out from the library)
-take photos and put the ones i like on my flickr
-run or climb 5 days of the week
-call or write to my friends and loved ones regularly
i can let myself fall into black holes too easily, and that's not good. tonight i watched a space documentary with christie and i learned that basically the sun is going to eat up the earth eventually, so really, when you put things in perspective, doing stuff you like is pretty important.
-read books (already have some favorites i've been meaning to re-read checked out from the library)
-take photos and put the ones i like on my flickr
-run or climb 5 days of the week
-call or write to my friends and loved ones regularly
i can let myself fall into black holes too easily, and that's not good. tonight i watched a space documentary with christie and i learned that basically the sun is going to eat up the earth eventually, so really, when you put things in perspective, doing stuff you like is pretty important.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
more than anything, i just want my life to be meaningful.
it's probably a result of being so far removed from comforts that causes one to not question what it is they do to pay rent and put food on the table -- like being close to loads of family and friends.
i am lucky. i have my sister under the same roof as me, and i have a few friends here that make life very happy. but looking at pictures from my 'vacation' 'home,' makes me realize that if i'm here and not doing something meaningful, i might as well not be here at all.
it's probably a result of being so far removed from comforts that causes one to not question what it is they do to pay rent and put food on the table -- like being close to loads of family and friends.
i am lucky. i have my sister under the same roof as me, and i have a few friends here that make life very happy. but looking at pictures from my 'vacation' 'home,' makes me realize that if i'm here and not doing something meaningful, i might as well not be here at all.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
everybody knows...it sucks to grow up (at least according to ben folds)
i said to christie tonight, "being an adult is hard."
when i first started my job teaching kindergartners, every time an incident arose, i almost expected someone else to intervene. as the teacher, suddenly i'm the authority. such a strange position. i had to make up rules. i was in charge.
i sort of became an adult in taiwan. i wonder still how much i've gained and lost as a result of that. in college life is only all still too convenient and effortless except for that which you put into studying, papers, and exams. even most of your friends are within a 10-15 minute walk of you. in taiwan, i no longer had all those conveniences of college life. but i had a lot of help, since there's a lot of crap i couldn't do all by myself in chinese alone. and i had an easily recognizable social group (the fulbrighters, smithies who were in taiwan) from which to make friends. and i sort of alienated myself from everyone else since the distance itself serves to do that quite well.
now i'm in the bay. i'm at a job where my competence is questioned but not because of my nationality. i don't know how to make friends or prioritize my time. and unless i want to be an americorps volunteer for another year, putting my real jobs since graduation from college at zero for the fourth year in a row, i need to find a job pronto, the way everyone else has to. on top of that, how can i manage staying in touch with friends and family not in this area while devoting time to my sister, relationship, and myself?
when i first started my job teaching kindergartners, every time an incident arose, i almost expected someone else to intervene. as the teacher, suddenly i'm the authority. such a strange position. i had to make up rules. i was in charge.
i sort of became an adult in taiwan. i wonder still how much i've gained and lost as a result of that. in college life is only all still too convenient and effortless except for that which you put into studying, papers, and exams. even most of your friends are within a 10-15 minute walk of you. in taiwan, i no longer had all those conveniences of college life. but i had a lot of help, since there's a lot of crap i couldn't do all by myself in chinese alone. and i had an easily recognizable social group (the fulbrighters, smithies who were in taiwan) from which to make friends. and i sort of alienated myself from everyone else since the distance itself serves to do that quite well.
now i'm in the bay. i'm at a job where my competence is questioned but not because of my nationality. i don't know how to make friends or prioritize my time. and unless i want to be an americorps volunteer for another year, putting my real jobs since graduation from college at zero for the fourth year in a row, i need to find a job pronto, the way everyone else has to. on top of that, how can i manage staying in touch with friends and family not in this area while devoting time to my sister, relationship, and myself?
Thursday, May 27, 2010
books
it was probably at some point in taiwan that i decided once i had a real job and was living somewhere that felt at least semi-permanent, i would buy myself a book every month.
as far as expenses go, books can't put a big dent in any budget, really, considering a book cost about as much as you'd spend eating out pretty much anywhere, depending on where you'd eat and what kind of book you'd purchase.
and in terms of actual value, i tend to be of the belief that books are priceless.
sometimes it makes me sad and sometimes it just really scares me when i compare how much time i spent reading and how many books i read on a regular basis when i was younger to now.
i'm going to change that.
and i'm going to start buying a book for myself every month.
as far as expenses go, books can't put a big dent in any budget, really, considering a book cost about as much as you'd spend eating out pretty much anywhere, depending on where you'd eat and what kind of book you'd purchase.
and in terms of actual value, i tend to be of the belief that books are priceless.
sometimes it makes me sad and sometimes it just really scares me when i compare how much time i spent reading and how many books i read on a regular basis when i was younger to now.
i'm going to change that.
and i'm going to start buying a book for myself every month.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
garage saling
my grandpa loves nothing better than getting a deal on something he didn't really need or bargaining just for the heck of it.
i'm all about deals, not so much about bargaining. i learned to do it well enough in taiwan to amuse night market vendors and get small discounts, but i never stopped dreading it, and it took a lot of rehearsal and general mental preparation.
you see, i often decide if i want something or not based on price. so if uncertainty is introduced about how much something costs, i get all anxious. i really hate bargaining because if you have to ask about the price and it's way more than what you're willing to pay, it just feels like you can't go anywhere from there except to quit, which is awkward, because usually if you ask you're supposed to be genuinely interested in the item.
and so, california garage sales make me nervous.
in ohio, garage sales go something like this:
you gather all the stuff you have to sell, then you carefully consider its garage sale value, then set up tables and organize everything neatly by category in your garage. nicer clothes are even hung on makeshift clothes racks. but the most important thing is that you mark everything. you put little stickers stating the cost and the initials of the owner of said item, so whoever in the family is on cashier duty at the moment of sale can dutifully record who made how much and fairly distribute the earnings in the end.
garage sales in ohio are well-organized, stuff is neatly categorized and displayed, prices are clearly marked, and the whole thing is like a temporary home-made storefront.
in california, as best as i can tell, garage sales seem like poorly-organized, last-minute affairs. they tend to look as if someone walked around the house randomly gathering stuff, then dumped it all on the yard. clothes are strewn over fences. but worst of all -- nothing is marked!
this is a big problem for me.
let's say, as a garage saler, i'm looking to buy a lamp to put in my room. my biggest concern is that it's cheap and doesn't look like hell. if it meets those criteria, i'm sold.
in ohio, it would go something like this:
me thinking: oh, there's a lamp. it doesn't look like crap. and it's only $3! i kinda like it, and it's so cheap. alright, i'm gonna buy it. ooh, maybe i can get a little discount. i'll ask if they'll take $2.50, wait, no...i better say 2 that way they can offer 2.5. and if they won't give me a discount it's still really cheap. no wait, i hate bargaining. it's only $3.
me: "hi, i'd like to buy this lamp."
(hand over $3)
in california, i don't even bother, because it could go something like this:
thinking: oh, there's a lamp. it doesn't look like crap. i wonder how much it costs.
me: "excuse me, how much is this lamp?"
californian: "oh, that's....like $15"
thinking: $15! shit, it must be fancy. or they're just making up a number at this minute. i don't even want to pay 10 for it. i'd pay $5, but that's too low and they'll get insulted or offer it to me for 10 and that's still too much. it's not that great. oh well, i'll just keep looking or never buy a lamp.
me: "ok, thanks."
(go to leave)
california: "or, well, how much would you give me for it?"
thinking: oh no, now i'm going to tell them i only wanted it if it were like, really cheap, like $3, and i can't even say 5 because i already decided against that plan. and maybe i could get it for 10 but i might not and i really don't want to pay even that much. crap, what do i say?
me: "uhhh, i'll think about it. i'm really just looking."
californian: "i can give it to you for [amount over $6]"
thinking: shit
me: "nevermind. that's ok. thanks!"
(run away awkwardly)
so really, it's best to avoid garage sales all together. not buying anything at all = much easier. getting stuff abandoned at dumpsters = better yet.
i'm all about deals, not so much about bargaining. i learned to do it well enough in taiwan to amuse night market vendors and get small discounts, but i never stopped dreading it, and it took a lot of rehearsal and general mental preparation.
you see, i often decide if i want something or not based on price. so if uncertainty is introduced about how much something costs, i get all anxious. i really hate bargaining because if you have to ask about the price and it's way more than what you're willing to pay, it just feels like you can't go anywhere from there except to quit, which is awkward, because usually if you ask you're supposed to be genuinely interested in the item.
and so, california garage sales make me nervous.
in ohio, garage sales go something like this:
you gather all the stuff you have to sell, then you carefully consider its garage sale value, then set up tables and organize everything neatly by category in your garage. nicer clothes are even hung on makeshift clothes racks. but the most important thing is that you mark everything. you put little stickers stating the cost and the initials of the owner of said item, so whoever in the family is on cashier duty at the moment of sale can dutifully record who made how much and fairly distribute the earnings in the end.
garage sales in ohio are well-organized, stuff is neatly categorized and displayed, prices are clearly marked, and the whole thing is like a temporary home-made storefront.
in california, as best as i can tell, garage sales seem like poorly-organized, last-minute affairs. they tend to look as if someone walked around the house randomly gathering stuff, then dumped it all on the yard. clothes are strewn over fences. but worst of all -- nothing is marked!
this is a big problem for me.
let's say, as a garage saler, i'm looking to buy a lamp to put in my room. my biggest concern is that it's cheap and doesn't look like hell. if it meets those criteria, i'm sold.
in ohio, it would go something like this:
me thinking: oh, there's a lamp. it doesn't look like crap. and it's only $3! i kinda like it, and it's so cheap. alright, i'm gonna buy it. ooh, maybe i can get a little discount. i'll ask if they'll take $2.50, wait, no...i better say 2 that way they can offer 2.5. and if they won't give me a discount it's still really cheap. no wait, i hate bargaining. it's only $3.
me: "hi, i'd like to buy this lamp."
(hand over $3)
in california, i don't even bother, because it could go something like this:
thinking: oh, there's a lamp. it doesn't look like crap. i wonder how much it costs.
me: "excuse me, how much is this lamp?"
californian: "oh, that's....like $15"
thinking: $15! shit, it must be fancy. or they're just making up a number at this minute. i don't even want to pay 10 for it. i'd pay $5, but that's too low and they'll get insulted or offer it to me for 10 and that's still too much. it's not that great. oh well, i'll just keep looking or never buy a lamp.
me: "ok, thanks."
(go to leave)
california: "or, well, how much would you give me for it?"
thinking: oh no, now i'm going to tell them i only wanted it if it were like, really cheap, like $3, and i can't even say 5 because i already decided against that plan. and maybe i could get it for 10 but i might not and i really don't want to pay even that much. crap, what do i say?
me: "uhhh, i'll think about it. i'm really just looking."
californian: "i can give it to you for [amount over $6]"
thinking: shit
me: "nevermind. that's ok. thanks!"
(run away awkwardly)
so really, it's best to avoid garage sales all together. not buying anything at all = much easier. getting stuff abandoned at dumpsters = better yet.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
drawing on experience...
when i was in third grade, megan and i created a bond based on our respective strengths in art and what we liked to spend our free time doing -- drawing and coloring in girls/princesses wearing cool clothes.
i drew the outlines of girls and the outfits, and megan decided on color scheme and texture, created mostly by the pressure with which she used the crayon, and filled them in. our creations were pretty amazing and impressive.
and i'm pretty sure that i still draw exactly like i did in third grade, which is not so amazing. definitely not impressive, unless you're my kinder students.
i have a little brown thin moleskine, so as not to intimidate me by being fancy and thick, that i carry around to put drawings in. it's not blank because i've convinced myself to follow ashley's advice and just draw as much as i can since it's hundreds or thousands of drawings until you get 'good.' and i've told myself not to get intimidated and just draw the crappy amateurish things i draw.
it's hard though, when i just want to draw the way it looks in my head, which is no longer a third grader's.
i drew the outlines of girls and the outfits, and megan decided on color scheme and texture, created mostly by the pressure with which she used the crayon, and filled them in. our creations were pretty amazing and impressive.
and i'm pretty sure that i still draw exactly like i did in third grade, which is not so amazing. definitely not impressive, unless you're my kinder students.
i have a little brown thin moleskine, so as not to intimidate me by being fancy and thick, that i carry around to put drawings in. it's not blank because i've convinced myself to follow ashley's advice and just draw as much as i can since it's hundreds or thousands of drawings until you get 'good.' and i've told myself not to get intimidated and just draw the crappy amateurish things i draw.
it's hard though, when i just want to draw the way it looks in my head, which is no longer a third grader's.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
stuff that happens
today i had an average-to-easy (but not great because we weren't doing anything super spectacular) day at work, followed by a car trip with aiza to christie's workplace to pick up my new (previously owned/used by jen) bike that had arrived there today.
that was followed by a fantastic trip to berkeley bowl west (only the best grocery store on the planet). oh how i love glorious amounts of local cheap delicious produce and bulk food bins.
then we were driving home on the labyrinth of highway that lies around the east bay, on our way to my place for some foodstuff before climbing, when a semi trying to go by us in the lane beside us sideswipes aiza's car.
the important things are that we're okay, the car isn't damaged that badly, and that we filed a report since i wrote down the plate number (correctly, i hope).
it's just weird. you're minding your own business on a not-so-bad day and then a semi takes the paint and a considerable amount of metal off the rear side bumper of your car. i was a little shaken up, but amazed and comforted by how calm aiza was. had it been my 2009 honda civic, i probably would have been dropping f-bombs right and left.
aiza inspires me to do and be all sorts of things. being able to react that way to future crises is something i want to do, too.
that was followed by a fantastic trip to berkeley bowl west (only the best grocery store on the planet). oh how i love glorious amounts of local cheap delicious produce and bulk food bins.
then we were driving home on the labyrinth of highway that lies around the east bay, on our way to my place for some foodstuff before climbing, when a semi trying to go by us in the lane beside us sideswipes aiza's car.
the important things are that we're okay, the car isn't damaged that badly, and that we filed a report since i wrote down the plate number (correctly, i hope).
it's just weird. you're minding your own business on a not-so-bad day and then a semi takes the paint and a considerable amount of metal off the rear side bumper of your car. i was a little shaken up, but amazed and comforted by how calm aiza was. had it been my 2009 honda civic, i probably would have been dropping f-bombs right and left.
aiza inspires me to do and be all sorts of things. being able to react that way to future crises is something i want to do, too.
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