ventured into the city

where it looked a lot like christmas

i live in california

last saturday it was really nice out so chris and i sat up on our desk and i took photos with her new camera.

it was a really lovely evening, but something strange happened to me this fall -- i actually started enjoying fall weather.  i was okay with being a little cold, and even rainy days, which usually i'm not. 

so this 70+ degree weather is nice and i can't really complain, but on the other hand, next week is thanksgiving and i'm ready for fall.

a to-do list

in the face of stress and giving in to it, i've neglected doing a lot of things that i actually like to do and that make me happy.  so i want to make a list of those things, even though i know that making lists doesn't actually mean i'll do the things on it.  but i think the first step is going to be recording it, then the second step is holding myself accountable for my own happiness.

-read books (already have some favorites i've been meaning to re-read checked out from the library)
-take photos and put the ones i like on my flickr
-run or climb 5 days of the week
-call or write to my friends and loved ones regularly

i can let myself fall into black holes too easily, and that's not good.  tonight i watched a space documentary with christie and i learned that basically the sun is going to eat up the earth eventually, so really, when you put things in perspective, doing stuff you like is pretty important.

more than anything, i just want my life to be meaningful.


it's probably a result of being so far removed from comforts that causes one to not question what it is they do to pay rent and put food on the table -- like being close to loads of family and friends.

i am lucky. i have my sister under the same roof as me, and i have a few friends here that make life very happy. but looking at pictures from my 'vacation' 'home,' makes me realize that if i'm here and not doing something meaningful, i might as well not be here at all.

everybody knows...it sucks to grow up (at least according to ben folds)

i said to christie tonight, "being an adult is hard."

when i first started my job teaching kindergartners, every time an incident arose, i almost expected someone else to intervene.  as the teacher, suddenly i'm the authority.  such a strange position.  i had to make up rules. i was in charge.

i sort of became an adult in taiwan.  i wonder still how much i've gained and lost as a result of that.  in college life is only all still too convenient and effortless except for that which you put into studying, papers, and exams.  even most of your friends are within a 10-15 minute walk of you.  in taiwan, i no longer had all those conveniences of college life.  but i had a lot of help, since there's a lot of crap i couldn't do all by myself in chinese alone. and i had an easily recognizable social group (the fulbrighters, smithies who were in taiwan) from which to make friends.  and i sort of alienated myself from everyone else since the distance itself serves to do that quite well.

now i'm in the bay. i'm at a job where my competence is questioned but not because of my nationality. i don't know how to make friends or prioritize my time. and unless i want to be an americorps volunteer for another year, putting my real jobs since graduation from college at zero for the fourth year in a row, i need to find a job pronto, the way everyone else has to.  on top of that, how can i manage staying in touch with friends and family not in this area while devoting time to my sister, relationship, and myself?

i am one major highway, 2,398 miles, or 1 day and 14 hours away from home.  it really feels exactly like that, most of the time.

books

it was probably at some point in taiwan that i decided once i had a real job and was living somewhere that felt at least semi-permanent, i would buy myself a book every month.

as far as expenses go, books can't put a big dent in any budget, really, considering a book cost about as much as you'd spend eating out pretty much anywhere, depending on where you'd eat and what kind of book you'd purchase.

and in terms of actual value, i tend to be of the belief that books are priceless. 

sometimes it makes me sad and sometimes it just really scares me when i compare how much time i spent reading and how many books i read on a regular basis when i was younger to now. 

i'm going to change that.

and i'm going to start buying a book for myself every month.